Monologue Jokes, February 2012 (Part 1)
New studies indicate that psilocybin, the hallucinogenic ingredient in “magic mushrooms,” may be an effective tool for fighting chronic depression. Results are based on claims that after doses of the drug, recipients literally quote “looked their depression in the eyes and put it in a head lock.”
Federal Officials have arrested four East Haven, Connecticut police officers for civil rights violations, claiming they performed illegal search and seizures and denied due process to latino residents. The police officers have since apologized, stating quote, “Sorry, we thought they were Mexican.”
The oldest living federal judge, who presided over the U.S. District court in Wichita, Kansas, died this week at the age of 104. Those attending jury duty have been notified that the courtroom has officially been moved out of the nursing home.
Chris Dodd, CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America and one of the central proponents of the Internet censorship bills SOPA and PIPA, warned Democrats that if they don’t support his bills, they will stop receiving campaign contributions from Hollywood. A Democrat has responded, saying quote, “We’ll make up for any loss of funds by selling DVD bootlegs of this year’s Oscar winners.”
Loyalists to assassinated Libyan despot Muammar Qaddafi overtook the Libyan city of Bani Walid, three months after their leader’s death. With the loyalists dressed like their leader, bystanders say the city is filled with Hollywood producers casting for a real-life adaptation of Aladdin.
While campaigning in Florida, a state with almost half a million Hispanic Republican voters, Mitt Romney avoided discussing his tough stance on illegal immigration, and bet $10,000 that no one would notice.
An 85-year-old, 97 pound Alaska woman saved her husband from an attacking moose by beating the animal away with a grain shovel. The woman said quote, “That’s the last time I let my husband eat animal crackers alone.”
A Massachusetts woman was arrested for purchasing sixty-four dollars worth of soda with a stolen welfare card, then immediately depositing them in a recycling machine for the nickel deposits. Authorities were alerted after the woman was found stuffing coins and breaking several machines at Chuck-E-Cheese.
The University of Utah engineering professor who was caught viewing child pornography on an airplane resigned this week. Sources say he’s taking time off from his professorship to teach kindergarten.
A Long Island woman fired a 9mm handgun and held a teen at gunpoint because she thought he was responsible for a game of “ding-dong-ditch” that was being played on her doorstep. The woman was released immediately when authorities determined it was just a Jehovah’s Witness.
Mitt Romney released his 2010 and 2011 tax records, revealing that he pays a tax rate of 13.9 percent, less than the national average. Technically this makes Mitt part of the point zero-zero-zero-one percent.
