I received a strange, delightful email today from someone named “peterbd.” The subject line was, “alex j mann is a lifestyle,” and enclosed was a poem.
From: peterbd <email@example.com>
Subject: alex j mann is a lifestyle
To: Alex J. Mann <firstname.lastname@example.org>
academics appreciate alex j mann because he’s the shit
keep in mind that alex j mann won america’s next top model twice
if you’ve ever heard alex j mann sing acapella and you didn’t give him money afterwords then wtf is wrong with you?
alex j mann is the adele of not answering your phone calls
being responsible is something that alex j mann doesn’t have to think about because he is a fucking celebrity
alex j mann brings all the girls to the yard
if alex j mann is apathetic to your existence then you probably should be freaking out right about now
whenever alex j mann gets hungry, he texts francis ford coppola and then francis goes over to alex’s place and makes him a snack
seeking alex j mann’s approval will get you everywhere
lmao @ you thinking that you can dutty wine better than alex j mann
jack and jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
jack fell down cause alex pushed him
then jill and alex decided to go out on a date
everybody knows that alex j mann is banksy’s publicist
if you didn’t cry the first time you realized alex j mann is a triple threat then smh
dis was good - a youtube commenter reviewing an alex j mann video
beyonce wrote ‘flawless’ after she spotted alex j mann pimp stroliing down atlantic ave
I Googled around and apparently others have received poems from peterbd. My friend Nic got one in June 2012. A guy named Chad wrote about his peterbd email in September 2011. Someone named Cody got one in August 2011. There’s a whole tumblr dedicated to peterbd poems. (I submitted mine.)
I can’t find much on peterbd’s identity. A blog says, “Peterbd is a mysterious internet presence currently residing in internet city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Occasionally he sends out emails which make the recipient’s day. No one has ever met or heard of Peterbd.”
Thanks to peterbd for making my day.
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Every year for my birthday, as far back as I can remember, my Uncle David ships me a box of junk he’s hoarded throughout the year. I don’t think he even uses a trash can; he just keeps a cardboard box open somewhere in his office, tosses weird shit in it, and then ships it to me.
To call it a box of “junk” or “trash” or “shit” isn’t completely fair; it’s just what the range of items round down to. There were some standout items this year. After all, it is 2013. Why shouldn’t there be?
Here are my favorites:
A March 2006 Hustler DVD with THREE hardcore scenes, perfect for someone without internet.
A free game of bowling, if anyone wants to go.
Self-tanner, just in time for winter.
A vintage cake knife, I think?
An american flag dog tag that will come in handy for the Olympics.
“God Bless My Grandparents” picture frame (solid brass)
A bell, perfect for calling my children to supper.
Decorations for Valentine’s Day so I don’t need to buy my own.
The rest of the items in Uncle David’s 2013 Birthday Box of Junk:
You don’t truly understand how “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” until Uncle David’s trash becomes your trash.
If you want to read the 2012 Uncle David’s Junk round-up, click here.
The first thing I should say is, in “researching” what I’m about to write, what I’ve always called the “magic flute” in Super Mario Bros. 3 (the thing that lets Mario skip ahead levels) is actually called a “warp whistle.” Game changer? I don’t know. Possibly. I’m still going to call it the magic flute because that’s what I know it as, so if you’re a Super Mario Bros. 3 purist, you might want to stop reading.
Semantics aside, what I’ve realized is – attending a wedding is the magic flute of relationships. Attending a wedding with someone advances the relationship regardless of its stage. There’s some math to be done in terms of how far it’ll advance, but I’d argue attending a wedding can advance a relationship anywhere from three to a few hundred dates. Why it advances the relationship should be obvious: you compact the activities you might do over a year or several years with someone into one weekend, like traveling, staying in a hotel, and having “September" by Earth, Wind & Fire blasted in your ear by a nine-piece brass band while you stuff your face with cake.
So, assuming you bring a date to a wedding, and assuming nothing goes colossally wrong (which is possible, but doesn’t necessary disqualify my theory), you and your date will have both thought about marrying each other more than once, even if the idea was completely foreign before the wedding. Even if you go to a wedding with someone you’re not seeing, there’s a good chance by the end of the weekend you’ll be seeing each other, or you would have at least hooked up, or one person would have made a decent attempt at hooking up. You could even bring a first date to a wedding (bad idea) and by the end of the weekend you’ll have three kids and be divorced, or at least feel it.
I guess what I’m saying is, maybe don’t use the magic flute until you’re ready, or at least until you’re prepared for the consequences. The magic flute gets you somewhere faster, but you miss a lot of the fun along the way and things you might want to start the game over to play again. At the risk of saying any more and making this too much of a relationship column which I’m in no way qualified to write, I’ll close with this: How great is Super Mario Bros. 3?