To prove I was a real artist my first year in NYC, I made screen prints. This is “Dylan on Dylan,” a Times They Are a-Changin’-era Dylan, smoking a cig, on top of lyrics from Highway 61 Revisited-era Dylan, “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues.” I ultimately stopped screen printing because even repurposing original works into what I thought were MY original works felt unoriginal. This is hanging in my parents’ house, who are slightly less pretentious, next to the dragon I painted when I was 7.

To prove I was a real artist my first year in NYC, I made screen prints. This is “Dylan on Dylan,” a Times They Are a-Changin’-era Dylan, smoking a cig, on top of lyrics from Highway 61 Revisited-era Dylan, “Just Like Tom Thumb’s Blues.” I ultimately stopped screen printing because even repurposing original works into what I thought were MY original works felt unoriginal. This is hanging in my parents’ house, who are slightly less pretentious, next to the dragon I painted when I was 7.

alex j mann is a lifestyle

I received a strange, delightful email today from someone named “peterbd.” The subject line was, “alex j mann is a lifestyle,” and enclosed was a poem.

From: peterbd <peterbd99@gmail.com>

Subject: alex j mann is a lifestyle

To: Alex J. Mann <alexjmann@gmail.com>

academics appreciate alex j mann because he’s the shit

keep in mind that alex j mann won america’s next top model twice  

if you’ve ever heard alex j mann sing acapella and you didn’t give him money afterwords then wtf is wrong with you?

alex j mann is the adele of not answering your phone calls

being responsible is something that alex j mann doesn’t have to think about because he is a fucking celebrity

alex j mann brings all the girls to the yard

if alex j mann is apathetic to your existence then you probably should be freaking out right about now

whenever alex j mann gets hungry, he texts francis ford coppola and then francis goes over to alex’s place and makes him a snack

seeking alex j mann’s approval will get you everywhere

lmao @ you thinking that you can dutty wine better than alex j mann

jack and jill

went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water

jack fell down cause alex pushed him

then jill and alex decided to go out on a date

everybody knows that alex j mann is banksy’s publicist

if you didn’t cry the first time you realized alex j mann is a triple threat then smh

dis was good - a youtube commenter reviewing an alex j mann video

beyonce wrote ‘flawless’ after she spotted alex j mann pimp stroliing down atlantic ave

I Googled around and apparently others have received poems from peterbd. My friend Nic got one in June 2012. A guy named Chad wrote about his peterbd email in September 2011. Someone named Cody got one in August 2011. There’s a whole tumblr dedicated to peterbd poems. (I submitted mine.)

I can’t find much on peterbd’s identity. A blog says, “Peterbd is a mysterious internet presence currently residing in internet city, where the grass is green and the girls are pretty. Occasionally he sends out emails which make the recipient’s day. No one has ever met or heard of Peterbd.”

Thanks to peterbd for making my day.

Uncle David’s Birthday Junk (2013)

Every year for my birthday, as far back as I can remember, my Uncle David ships me a box of junk he’s hoarded throughout the year. I don’t think he even uses a trash can; he just keeps a cardboard box open somewhere in his office, tosses weird shit in it, and then ships it to me.

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To call it a box of “junk” or “trash” or “shit” isn’t completely fair; it’s just what the range of items round down to. There were some standout items this year. After all, it is 2013. Why shouldn’t there be?

Here are my favorites:

A March 2006 Hustler DVD with THREE hardcore scenes, perfect for someone without internet.

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A free game of bowling, if anyone wants to go.

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Self-tanner, just in time for winter.

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A vintage cake knife, I think?

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An american flag dog tag that will come in handy for the Olympics.

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“God Bless My Grandparents” picture frame (solid brass)

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A bell, perfect for calling my children to supper.

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Decorations for Valentine’s Day so I don’t need to buy my own.

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The rest of the items in Uncle David’s 2013 Birthday Box of Junk:

  • An unidentifiable piece of plastic
  • A quarter (2006)
  • Dum Dum Lollipops (2) (watermelon, blue raspberry)
  • Purple satin jewelry bags (4)
  • Twizzlers (2)
  • Car keys (Acura)
  • Light machine (broken)
  • Zippo lighter (broken)
  • Vita Coco business card (Shaun Cyrkin, Marketing Manager)
  • A Harold Mann Jeweler sticker
  • Super glue
  • 5 Euro cents
  • A watch (broken)
  • Door keys
  • London Eye bracelet charm
  • Gym lock with keys
  • Flask
  • Plastic diamond
  • Glass diamond
  • Keychain wrench
  • Television antenna
  • Yellow wallet
  • Corkscrew
  • Notepad
  • Ring fitter
  • Gold ring (fake)
  • Sterling bracelet
  • Bottle opener
  • Black pen
  • David Mann Jeweler business card
  • David Mann Jewelers postcard

You don’t truly understand how “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” until Uncle David’s trash becomes your trash.

If you want to read the 2012 Uncle David’s Junk round-up, click here.